MizJennah.com

So at last, this long week has come to a close. Well nearly. I still have one more workout to do to make it 5 days this week but I had my official weigh-in. I lost 2 lbs. This is good progress. 1-2 lbs. a week is the recommended loss right? I was kinda hoping for 3 lbs. not because I wanted to lose more than 2 but because the number on the scale would be closer to my goal at the more than halfway mark. I’m definitely not trying to be disappointed. A loss is a loss and I will surely take it! I just felt like I came in short of where I had hoped I was going to be.

I know that this is going to be a long road and one I am familiar with. Sometimes you hang on by a thread and a 2 lb. loss is the only thing that keeps you going. Sometimes any kind of loss is the only thing that keeps you going. I guess I’m just nervous because I leave next week for New Mexico and I don’t want to be derailed while I’m gone. I won’t have the opportunity or structure there that I do here to workout. I don’t think I’m going to overeat while being away but the possibility might be there.

I know I worked out really hard this week, which is in part adding a little to the disappointment. I feel like I’ve done way more work to warrent more than just 2 lbs. I sweated! I hurt! I felt the burn! Maybe I’m just having a bloat week. My monthly is scheduled probably in the next week and a half. 2 weeks tops. It could just be bloat. and after I’ll have a really good loss. I hope  Alright, need to workout even though I totally don’t want to now but not doing it is a sure fire way of gaining those 2 lbs. back and I really, really can’t be having that.

Oh, forgot to mention. Carebear lost 4 lbs! Go girl!!

Ok so this is going to be a highly intensive photo post. You’re probably going to get sick of looking at my face and I do apologize for so many similar ‘poses’ but that’s what happens when your personal photographer is yourself and your studio is your bathroom. There’s also pictures of Carebear and I because we decided it would be a great idea to have a ‘photo shoot’ and so we headed down to the beautiful park, only when we got there and started to take pictures we realized we didn’t know what to do or how to pose and so it lasted all of 10 minutes before we hopped back into the car and keeping our make-up from melting off our faces.

You’ll notice a lot of pictures that are the same, only some are in black and white as well. I couldn’t decide which I liked better so I’ve just decided to post them all. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This post is Jennah-centric. As Sarah pointed out, she can tell I’m feeling better about myself because I’m taking a lot more pictures. She’s right. I think I am feeling better about myself, despite some of the critisms that I might have for some of the pictures. I actually think for the most part, they came out pretty cute.

So the plan is, at the beginning of every month, Carebear and I are going to do a ‘photo shoot’ as a way to document our weight loss but to go beyond the standard front and side profile pictures. We hope that next time we’ll be more prepared, possibly with props such as a blanket for the grass and at least some idea of what poses we might want to capture. It also was blazing devils hot. Only two or so more months of dealing with the heat and then I think we won’t have to worry about our make-up melting off our faces before we can even get some pictures.

So, here’s the pictures!

Today I got up early and I went to pick up Carebear and her daughter. We went to JoAnn’s so that we could see if they had any kind of charms so that I can make earrings for her daughter’s slumber party. She’s getting all sorts of goodies together to make up goodie baskets for the little girls that are coming over. It’s going to be a lot of fun (11 tweens in one house with oodles of sugar, pizza and popcorn provided) and I get to help!

After we went to JoAnn’s we went to Ross next door and I got to see a lot of great dresses that they have there. They are really really affordable! Of course, I didn’ t have any money but they were still affordable. I know where I’m going to be shopping when I want to get something nice and summery. They had cute shoes and lots of things for the house. I might have found a new favorite store.

After shopping we came back to my house and all of us worked out to Biggest Loser BootCamp and then did a 30 minute stretch video. It was fun to have all of us there and I’m proud to say that no one got hit, kicked or slapped in the process considering my living room is small and at a weird angle to the teevee. Carebear’s daughter couldn’t do all the flexability stretches and that somehow made us women feel better because she’s young and so flexible that it just validated in our minds that we aren’t old, it actually IS hard.

I tried taking a nap this afternoon but I’m still achey enough that I couldn’t find a comfortable position. I’ve been watching the show “I Lost It” on Discovery Health that I have DVR’d. I don’t think they are making any new episodes because I haven’t come across any that I haven’t seen but it is still nice to get inspiration of people that have lost the weight. Most stories do involve gastric bypass, but seeing how people got to where they did with their weight and how their lives have changed once it came off is what I like to see.

I remember the very first time I undertook the daunting task of trying to lose weight. I got on the internet and I searched for every possible weight loss success story that I could find. I wanted to know that it was real and achievable. I saw so many people that had lost weight and they didn’t have anything that I didn’t have. There wasn’t a magic wand in their story, nor were there magic pills or a weight loss fairy that came to their house instead. No fairy godmothers, no wishing wells… just simple hard work and motivation. It helped me so much to see that I had all the tools they had within reach. I wanted to surround myself with success and in turn, I was successful at losing weight.

I’m going to go shower, and maybe put some make-up on. It’s something that I want to incorporate into my life again. So often I get in a rut of not making myself pretty because honestly, who’s going to see me? I am a stay at home mom and like a lot of Mom’s it’s just so much easier to throw your hair up in a pony tail and not worry about make-up. But I see myself so I want to take better care for my appearance. I want to actually get dressed everyday and in clothes that I’m not going to worry about people seeing me in. I want to start taking better care of my skin. I’ve already been polishing my nails and even that little thing has made me feel prettier. It’s all apart of telling yourself through actions that you are worthy of looking nice, of feeling like you look good. I think I fell so far into frumpy that you don’t realize your outsides match your insides of just feeling ‘blah’. Mom’s especially tend to ignore themselves because they put everyone else’s needs. Soo, in this whole attempt to change the momentum of my life, I’m going to try changing the small things too.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to start an actual weight loss journal aside from this one since I seem to be talking weight loss so much these days. However, I’m pretty sure that I’d still talk about it here as much as I did there and so it’s just easier to keep everything in one place I guess.

I haven’t been this excited in a long time about losing weight. Yet somehow this feels different. I know it’s different. I don’t know if this will be the time that everything ‘clicks’ and I’m finished with my weight loss issues forever because I’ll manage to take the weight off and keep it off but I know that the other times I’ve lost weight, I’ve been motivated and passionate but what makes this time different is that I honestly think I can see me getting to a weight that’s lower than I’ve ever been in memory. Will I do it? I really hope so.

I’ve managed to workout, since Thursday, three days, with one day off and then started right back up. I didn’t let that one day off turn to two days, turn to two weeks, months then years. I’ve done that so, so often the last couple of years since 2005. Even on my day off, I went swimming and if you think you are in shape? Try swimming laps. I felt like I was suffocating after just swimming to the end of the pool and back and it’s not a humongous pool. I doggie paddled in one place for several bursts of a few minutes, just to keep my heart rate up and I tell you, when I got out of the water after laps and doggie paddling, every muscle in my entire body felt like a dead weight.

I was sore yesterday from Saturday’s workout but I didn’t feel too much of that soreness today. Usually the last couple of times that I’ve worked out I’ve felt sore for three days before I’m able to workout again. Maybe it’s my own mind making excuses but for this reason the soreness lasted a day and was pretty much gone. Maybe my muscles are getting a little better at recovery time.

In other news, Hunter woke up at 3 a.m. crying and when I finally got him to tell me what was wrong he said he was hungry. So I’m up in the kitchen making him something to eat when all I wanted to do after a day of swimming and being in the sun was to sleeeeeep. He did really well though. He ate everything I gave him which I thought he was just going to take a few bites and tell me he was tired because the poor little guy could barely keep his eyes open. He kept a hand over one eye because the kitchen light was too bright for him.

It’s so blooooooody hot here! I can’t stand it. It however was overcast this morning with a breeze and it was only 80 degrees. I never thought I would think 80 felt so cool but it was delicious. Unfortunately, the rain we were supposed to have? Yeah, didn’t and the sun came out so we’re in the high 90’s again and in the high 90’s tomorrow. Oh and I forgot to mention about when I went swimming… the water was incredibly warm. It was like the pool was heated. I was actually sweating after doing laps. It didn’t cool me off as much as I had hoped because you look at the water and you think coolness but, it’s been so hot that the water was thoroughly heated. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice, but it was nicer only when I got out of the water and the air hit me. Then I felt cooler for a few minutes as the water quickly dried. At least the boys loved it. As always, I forgot to take my camera for some pictures but I will remember it next time!

Alright, I need a shower. I’m pretty funky right now. I did the Denise Austin’s Sizzler tape that I used to use waaaay back in the day.  I swear, I don’t know how we ever thought VHS quality was good.

Later, Cookies.

First Farrah, then Michael and now….Billy Mayes.

Billy Mayes was found by his wife in their home this morning. I can’t imagine finding my husband dead. The thought… I just don’t even want to go there.

What is going on? People are dropping off like flies!

Sometimes it takes reading an entry that someone writes to show you something in your own life. I really do have a beautiful life. I think I forget that so often in the anxiety of bills and finances, in the worries of children and with the struggles to make a marriage work when it was put on such rocky ground.

My husband is amazing. I love this man, completely and utterly and I get choked up even just saying that because there was a time when I didn’t know if I would ever be able to say that again. I was so angry for the pain that he caused our family, not only in the present but everything that I thought would be my future. I felt robbed. Robbed of the love I had for a man who I thought he was but really didn’t exist anymore and robbed of the ideal image I had of my marriage and future.

Well he’s worked so hard to become more than his mistake. He is more than that mistake. Are things perfect? No but they weren’t ever intended to be perfect because we are both human and we’re flawed. But it’s good. It’s really, really good. I feel so proud of my marriage because I have fought damn near tooth and nail for it. It means so much more knowing that we hung in there together even when ‘together’ was so painful and bitter. It wasn’t just all his mistake either. I know I played my own part, not necessarily in his addiction but in letting myself get so dependant on another human being for everything. Mentally, emotionally, physically… he was my entire universe and I could not function without him. I’m not in that place anymore. I can drive anywhere I need to, I can get a job, I can take care of my kids if I had to. I’ve worked very hard to make sure that I’m not as dependant on him and only with him because there are no other options. I’m with him because I want to be with him. We’ve both done a great amount of growing in the last year and a half.

My boys. I really can’t say enough about them. They drive me so nuts and I never ever thought that I could get so angry at people so small, but I love them. The thought that anything could happen to them, that they could be taken from me… it gives me anxiety thinking about it. I see their personalities and how they have grown and the funny things they do and say and I can’t even imagine my life without them. For the longest time through my teens and into my early 20’s I didn’t want children. I didn’t want the responsibility, I didn’t want the pain of labor, and I didn’t want to be tied down. I just wanted to have a life of my own and not be responsible for anyone else. Sometimes I do daydream about what it would be like to have that kind of life but I know that I would not be fullfilled. I know that I was ment to be their Mom. I don’t always feel like a good Mom but somehow they were ment for me.

I have wonderful friends, in the physical and on the internet who support me and love me. Carebear and I worked out today to a ‘boot camp’ style exercise and it was so hard! We were huffing and puffing and I let out a few curse words a time or two and I normally don’t swear, especially in front of my kids and there I was. We kept egging each other on to keep going even when I think we were near dying and falling flat on our faces. It felt amazing to have accomplished it though. Afterward we did a 30 minute stretch tape and couldn’t stop laughing at our own inflexibility and how easy the instructor made it look. I was really proud of the both of us for doing it. More proud of Carebear because she was so tired and just wanted to go home and relax but she pushed herself to do what was best for her body and I think she was really proud that she did as well.

So I was looking through my Weight Watchers organizer and I found some old pictures of me. Some are when JT was about a year old and I was at one of my highest non-pregnancy weights. A few others were from my bridal shower which didn’t have me at an all time high weight but bigger than what I am now. I showed them to Carebear and she said she really saw a difference. I also looked at my weight tracker from January when I thought I was going to be joining again and realized that I’ve lost 18 lbs. since then. I’m so stoked! As a congrats on my near first 20 lbs. Carebear bought me a dress I was drooling over in Walmart.

You’re going to just have to forgive the hair. It’s bloody hot and equally humid. Never a good combination for fabulous hair. I do look rather fabulous in my new dress though.

It makes me look like I actually have boobs! It’s made from a very stretchy soft fabric and I love it. Thank you Carebear!

I have more to talk about involving the kids, particularly Hunter and the woes that I’m facing with his picky eating but I’m dead tired. I’m already sore and that usually isn’t supposed to settle in until the day after working out, or more in my case the second day!

Today has been a pretty good day. I didn’t do much of anything but the important thing is that I did work out. I could have easily skipped it, telling myself I did work out after midnight last night so “technically” I had worked out already today. I also could have used the excuse that I was stiff. I wasn’t sore mind you, but I was pretty stiff. However I didn’t let that get me too down and I decided to just walk an in-home mile followed by a 30 minute stretch with Denise Austin.

Himself hooked up the VCR last night so this 30 minute stretch video is on the agenda again. it’s not exercise at all, but it just feels so good to stretch myself from head to toe. Carebear also did her workout even though she got up at the ass-crack of dawn and worked, and ran errands and had to go pick up her husband in addition she also had to do a follow-up orientation of sorts for a job she applied for. She won’t know if she has it until Monday or Tuesday. I’m so proud of her! If anyone had an excuse to not work out due to being exhausted, it was her and yet she didn’t use it. Her hubby even worked out with her too. Lucky wench.

So I’d say we’re off to a good start so far. I’m just… finally so excited thinking about weight loss again. I know it has to do with the number on the scale. Weird, right? Usually the number on the scale depresses me so much and although it has in the past lead to motivation, it was never pretty to see. This time though, the number was so much lower than I expected it to be compared to the last time I weighed and not only that, it’s the lowest I’ve been since 2005. When the Wii Fit said I weighed this much I just couldn’t accept it. I knew that the Wii wasn’t as accurate because it was on the carpet. Anytime you put a scale on the carpet it is going to make you weigh less. Then I decided to buy a scale and it too said the same number. I am finally going to have to accept that it’s real and that magic won’t take it away and make me fat again. I just have to really focus on my health and make sure that I don’t start an upward trend with this umpteenth chance I’ve been given.

In other news, I have so much cleaning to do in my house before my sister gets here for my trip to New Mexico. I might as well just make a schedule and decide what I’ll clean on each day. They are going to be spending the night so everything needs to be really, really clean and washed. I’m not sure I have pillows for them. They might have to bring their own. How sad is that to ask them to bring their own pillows? But geeze, they can be expensive if you don’t want picky feathers poking you or if you don’t want a pancake in about 8 weeks.

I painted my fingernails a really pretty reddish-pink. I haven’t painted my nails in some time but I found these tiny nail polishes at Walmart for .98 and so I got a pearly white, a pearly soft pink and then a darker pinkish-red. Or reddish-pink. Whichever you prefer, it looks equally great. I’ve been trying to grow my nails out and it was working but my nails tend to flake and I just can’t leave them alone. I have to split the flakes off which of course weakens them or makes more of a chunk of nail I have to tear off. I finally cut all my nails short so they’d be the same length and I put the polish on them so hopefully I will not mess with them. Well, that is, until I start scratching the nail polish off…

Time to go make the kids something to eat. I swear, with JT being out of school and them being allowed to stay up until 10 p.m. at night, they are always hungry for snacks between 9 and 10. They are going to eat me out of house and home pretty soon!

So I had some unexpected awesomeness tonight. My friend Carebear and I had made plans to go out to dinner tonight. We haven’t been out in a long time and life just keeps getting in the way so I finally was able to meet up with her and we went to IHOP then headed to walmart where we looked at near everything but baby stuff, food and electronics. It was hillarious because we went to the sporting goods section where all the exercise equipment was and she starts getting on the recumbant bikes and then I get on the eliptical and we’re giggling as we’re trying to use the displays. I told her they were going to kick us out, “Fat people on exercise equipment, Fat people on exercise equipment.” going over the PA as the security guards come for us.

From there, she asked an employee if he knew where the scales were because that was my original purpose for going in the store. He didn’t know and went over to ask a good looking electronic’s employee and I embarassedly turned to her and said, “Oh man, two fat chicks asking where the scales are.” Again, laughter ensued. So we found the scales and they had a few ‘working’ ones and so we weighed ourselves, naturally after we ate a big dinner and we were like trying to subtract a few pounds for that, and we had to pee so another half pound for that, and shoes so 2 more pounds for that. So we pretty much were 10 lbs. lighter than what the scales said. Rock!

We went to the jewelry counter where her Mom works and we tried on some rings. I found this beautiful ring in sterling silver that looks similar to my wedding bands. Himself and I picked out our wedding bands when we got married but they didn’t have much of a selection in the silver or white gold that they had and I was just so happy he wanted to even buy me a ring I wasn’t going to complain when he picked out a yellow gold bridal set! I just prefer silver. I even told him on that day that for our 10 year anniversary he could buy me a silver anniversary ring. Hehe. I kept telling him that through the years but when the time came for our 10 year anniversary we just didn’t have the money. They have a layaway plan but it would cost about 10 dollars a week for six months and we just really can’t spare the extra right now. I’m hoping that we’ll be able to eventually when we renew our vows. I’m not sure when that will be but Carebear is conspiring to get Himself in on the planning, and help him put it together. Even though technically we’re putting it together.

We’d decided after weighing ourselves that we need to really get serious about our health and fitness and started making grand plans. She asked to borrow an exercise DVD because it’s just too hard to get over to each other’s house to exercise 4 times a week, and not to mention it’s bloody hot outside. Neither one of us wants to suffer heatstroke at 8 a.m. when the temperate is up to 98 already. When it starts cooling off we’ll take off to walk in the park as man times a week as we can but at least one time a week. I’m still hoping we can work out at either house once a week until then. We’ll see how it goes. Between family schedules and work schedules it might be hit and miss for a while but it’s ok as long as we are working out at home, even if it is separately.

I’m pretty excited. I want this to work. I want to shed some pounds and get back to a weight that I felt, at one time, comfortable in. I think we have set ourselves for some very realistic goals. I know that I worked out for a week and a half about 2 or so weeks ago but I haven’t since then and this was just the kick in the pants that I needed to get started again. I’m not expecting to be a size 8, and I’m not even expecting to look much different before the end of summer when I want to renew my vows, but I know that I’m going to feel better in my own skin and in feeling better, your entire attitude towards yourself changes and I can’t wait to just feel good in my own skin.

Oh did I mention that while Carebear was here she told me she’d never seen Richard Simmon’s Sweatin’ To The Oldies? I put it on for her and she said, “Ok girl, here we go.” and she totally wanted us to work out to Richard! I haven’t watched that tape in years. LOL Well obviously I wasn’t going to let her workout alone and not after we had talked about all these grand plans we had so I worked out with her and we definitely sweated to the oldies! It went by pretty fast, as stuff like that does when you have someone to do it with. So I was glad and proud that she made us do it, even though it was like 11 p.m. at night. Afterward I took her home and we talked a bit more about our plans and our children and how important this is for them too. All in all, it was a pretty great night.

Speaking of nights, I must, must go to bed. I’m so tired and I’ll probably be sore tomorrow too!

Night, cookies.